Date: 7th June 2017 at 9:53am
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There are hundreds of reasons why David Perkins chose to sign a 12-month contract extension with Wigan Athletic. Here are just four of them.

‘Aw cripes, you had me going there – for one moment I thought Perks had resigned!‘ — Paul Cook on potentially misleading headlines

‘Guffaw! Clickbait rules the Internet, my friend.’ — Ed Hitter on the 10:50 from Lime Street to Wigan Vital Wigan’s headline policy

There are hundreds of reasons why David Perkins chose to sign a 12-month contract extension with Wigan Athletic. Here are just four of them, selected at random by a team of social media keyboard warriors held at fartpoint by flatulent elephants.

He wants to win the Wigan Athletic ‘Beard of the Year’ prize. Such a thing does not yet exist, but he will dedicate 11 of the extra 12 months to campaigning for its formation. It is alleged that this formed a crucial part of negotiations, and beard-related copy accounts for 23 of the 34 pages in his contract.

He wants to finish his ongoing 1,083-match Sega Master System Sensible Soccer competition with Max Power. They’re only 387 games in and Perkins is 32 points behind, so there is unfinished business.

Would Perkins have left the club if he were ahead, despite these other compelling reasons to stay? Quite probably.

Will they finish their little competition in the next 12 months? Probably not, but it’ll be a good excuse for Perks to re-sign at the start of the 2018-19 season.

…Unless Power is sold to Tranmere Rovers for twenty quid and half a packet of Poundsavah Oreos, of course. Let’s hope that isn’t foreshadowing.

He wants to reach his 30,000th career yellow card. He is just 25 bookings away from seeing more cards than Victoria Coren-Mitchell, Doyle Brunson and Phil Hellmuth playing 52-card draw in the Manchester super-branch of Birthdays.

Sorry about that last reference, I’ve been marathonning Late Night Poker again. Also: I must remember to get my mum a birthday card.

He wants to be present when David Perkins finally scores a competitive goal for Wigan Athletic. It is widely accepted that this will be the single greatest moment in the club’s history, eclipsing that time Jimmy Bullard put extra strong Carolina Reaper chilli in Leighton Baines’ undercrackers.

For the next 15 months, supporters are advised to carry camcorders with them at all times just in case the ball inadvertently deflects off Perky’s knee into the opposition goal. The occasion must be marked with a 35-angle YouTube supercut to the tune of the Pinky and Perky theme Ubelievable by KLF.

Right, that’s enough! Your small time Internet weblogger has used five weeks’ worth of strikethroughs in the space of five minutes, so I have to go and buy more from Fred Aldous. – Ed.