Date: 22nd June 2017 at 7:46pm
Written by:

So Big Matty Gilks has departed for Scunthorpe. Who, or indeed what, should succeed him?

So Big Matty Gilks has departed for Scunthorpe, leaving just one senior goalkeeper -Dan Lavercombe- on Latics’ books.

As an Oldham Athletic fan, Gilksy must finally have succumbed to that ‘Plastic Latics’ fallacy lingering over his head like a persistent bluebottle. However, since we have nothing but speculative evidence for such things, it’s best to pretend you read that on a less reputable website.

But who, or indeed what, should succeed him? We gave Nosey Barstool ten quid and half a bottle of his favourite liquid vice to scour the deep web (i.e. Soccerbase) for potential replacements.

The results will not shock you, since he always comes up with stupid candidates for these lists, especially when filled with the aforementioned liquid filth. You have been warned, dear reader.

Nosey Barstool, reveal the candidates.

Dan Lavercombe, duh. Heh, that one was easy!

Mike Pollitt. Because he’s always ready to step in with two sticky mitts and countless silly jokes in such situations. Forget the fact he ran across the Pennines to Rotherham, because Sharpy can fund his £25.50 train fare back with the Gilks mone- oh wait, who’s taken the Gilks money!?

Pretty much anyone who can save a penalty. This seems to be the current selection criteria, as precisely 32 different goalkeepers did so at the DW Stadium in the 2016/17 season – a world record according to the Liquid Filth Book of World Records… which I am currently writing. Any publishers out there want to take a chance?

Twenty crates of Owen Coyle’s leftover store brand orange soft drink. Not such a stupid suggestion when you remember the DW stock room is full of the stuff, and no caterer in the land could shift those without pretending it’s liquidised gold bullion.

‘Just pile those crates in the goalmouth and everyone can have a rest for 90 minutes, yeah? Anything to shift that crud.’ – Unnamed DW staff member

Nosey Barstool. Because I’ve seen that David James Soccer School DVD three times. Also, I couldn’t think of a good fifth candidate and that liquid filth has made me sleepy.

Well, that got stupid much later than I expected. Well done, Nosey – have this Chorley Town fixture card from the 2008/09 season as a reward. – Ed.