Date: 17th June 2017 at 10:29am
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Struggling to fill the football-shaped void in your Saturday afternoon/Tuesday evening/small time Internet weblog?

Struggling to fill the football-shaped void in your Saturday afternoon/Tuesday evening/small time Internet weblog? Going out of your chequered icosahedron-shaped cranium waiting in vain for Saturday 5th August to arrive?

Well, maybe reading this small collection of vaguely related words and concepts might help pass a few short minutes until teatime. And who knows, perhaps you may actually be bored enough to do some of the outlandish things suggested in the following paragraphs*.

*Don’t do them, kids. My lawyers have instructed me to say that. – Not Ed.

Keep refreshing teletext page 302 in the forlorn hope a headline might one day read ‘Latics sign Spanish legend’. Then when it does, toss the remote control out the window as you realise it was actually talking about Oldham Athletic and Diego Lopez. Blasted Beeb and their brazen button-baiters.

Make a list of the worst ever Wigan Athletic players, then use them to create a custom team on Pro Evilution International Superstar FIFA 64 2018 for the Blintendo Segabox. Play a friendly against Argleton Town and send a photograph of the winning screen to Thisisdefinitelynotafakecomp, Gullible, Notascam, Kerguelen. First entry received that isn’t doctored in WinPhoto gets a copy of Marc-Antoine Fortune’s new book Grant Holt Stole My Chippy Tea.

Make up a hilarious story about an ex-player who’s currently out of contract and watch in amazement as bored newspaper journalists believe every single word of it. Appear on the Sly Sports Booze Network at 6:32AM with a fake name such as ‘Lum Baygo’ to confirm it’s actually true that Grant Holt did indeed steal Marc-Antoine Fortune’s fish supper.

Write stupid clickbait articles about how to pass time in the off-season. If everyone did this, there would be enough filler content in the Latics web to pass the time until the start of the 2054 season, when Ben Watson Jr. will take charge of his first game at the newly-branded (but same old) Uncle Sharpe’s Discount Biscuits Stadium.

Well, writing all that passed a few minutes, I guess. Now, I wonder how many daily Bovrils I’ll have to skip to afford the new Latics replica shirt? Where’s me abacus…?