Date: 21st May 2017 at 9:51am
Written by:

Jesus Was a Wiganer’s numerological ass-essment of the past nine wretched months.

1,000-1 – best odds on the Fulham-Latics game not finishing in a 0-0 draw. Unbelievably, it transpired to be a good bet – the final score was Fulham 3 Wigan 2.

79 inches – how tall you must be to look down upon the gargantuan Danny Burn POTWS (Player of the Wretched Season). Ten straight years of early morning stretches on the torture rack should just about do it for you.

67% – percentage of Wigan fans that read online match reports for the purposes of confirmation bias.

33% – percentage of Wigan fans that read online match reports because they clicked the wrong link when searching for athletics gear.

30 first team goalkeepers utilised in all competitions, 29 of which saved penalties at the DW Stadium.

11 Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls – new price of the Vital Wigan paywall (1 month access).

(Naturally, dear reader, this is a joke – the actual cost is half a packet of Oreos. May fool!!! – Ed.)

8 – months before Wigan Athletic’s season actually started.

8 – months before Nick Powell became a first team regular. I very much doubt this is a coincidence.

3 winners of the grand prize at the Club Latics half time game. That’s at least £747 Cousin Sharpy will be forced to fork out on season cards (not inclusive of ticket printing cost).

One-eyed strategies that cost Wozzer Joyce his end of season bonus. It turned out alright for the King of Fools in the end, though, because he received a bumper three-year compo package instead. Don’t think we’ll be hearing from him for a while.

Zero pairs of trousers in the wardrobe of King Warren Jo-

Okay, that’s quite enough about Shortsman II for one (wretched) season! We’ve sent your small time Internet weblogger for a 12-hour ice bath. — Ed