Jesus Was a Wiganer looks forward to Gaz Cook’s first day in the hallowed Halls of DW.
9:01AM: Correct the name plaque on his door, adding an extra ‘r’ to ‘Gary Cook’ with a JJB branded semi-permanent marker he found at the back of the staircase. ‘Good job the lift has been out of order since 1999,’ he will mutter to himself.
9:02AM: Pile the cardboard boxes and add a DW canteen tray to construct his standard issue Wigan Athletic desk and chair set (on sale now for £4.99 only at DeeDub Sports).
9:04AM: Realise he put the load-bearing box at the top only when the whole thing collapses under the weight of his poorly photocopied 198-page contract.
9:10AM: Change the default channel on his CRT television from The Dave Sports News 24 Hour Whelan News Network to the UFC station, then change his mind and set it to the Playboy Channel.
9:15AM Get bored, strip naked and do eight full laps of the entire DW Stadium corridor system when he thinks nobody is looking. But an extensive network of high definition webcams will be watching, transforming Mr Cook into an instant celebrity on certain seedy corners of the premium rate Internet.
9:30AM: Realise he has actually been roped into an inescapable office timeshare scheme when the two-strong Latics media team arrive and build their own standard issue desks right next to him.
9:45AM: Become irked when someone in the office sets the default TV channel to MUTV.
9:56AM: Leave the office when he realises it’s the off-season and big boss Sharpy is absent, probably enjoying a month-long holiday in sunny Kerguelen.
9:59AM: Join in with some kids playing an illegal game of ‘keepsies’ pitch ‘n’ toss against the outside of the East Stand.
10:01AM: Declare himself bankrupt after gambling away his house, car and pet mouse to a couple of 10 year-old chancers.
10:02AM: Look more closely at one of the kids and realise it was actually Sharpy all along.
10:03AM: Wake up in a cold sweat and realise that all the above was a product of his over-active imagination.
10:56AM: Arrive at Wigan Athletic FC 2 hours late for his first day on the job and get fired on the spot by the caretaker.
Oh well, at least it made for a questionable article on this website, eh?