Vital Wigan are pleased, nay delighted, to announce the return of the Sheikh, fresh from spending the past nine months dodging taxes posing as a student in his final year at Uni, Sheikh_Mahand returns casting his satirical eye over the highs and lows of the past season, without further ado it’s over to the Sheikh
It’s been another bumpy ride this season, with just about more ups than downs. Anyway, what better way to celebrate than with an awards ceremony! Congratulations to the winners, commiserations to those who missed out, and we’ll see them all next year (hopefully)!
The Surprise Holiday Destination of the Year Award: Gary Caldwell’s Back Pocket
Perhaps a bit of a surprise this one, but it must be absolutely lovely: within the space of a few weeks, Luis Suarez, Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie all spent time in there. Expect Judith Chalmers to turn up any day now.
Career Advice of the Year: The Liverpool fan interviewed outside Anfield on Sky Sports News this week
SSN Reporter: ‘Should Kenny Dalglish have been given more time?’
Liverpool fan: ‘No. You should never go back in football.’
SSN Reporter: ‘Who would you like then? Roberto Martinez?’
Liverpool fan, without the faintest hint of irony: ‘Definitely not. Rafael Benitez for me.’
The Amelia Earhardt Award for Disappearing off the Face of the Earth: Hendry Thomas
Seriously, has anyone seen him in the last twelve months? Is he alright?!
The ‘Where Are Youuuuuu?!’ Award, Brought to you by Delia Smith and Gordon’s Gin: Steve Gohouri
Another player who has completely disappeared. Can’t remember the last time anyone saw him alive.
The Ross Kemp Trophy for Hard Man of the Year: Jordi Gomez
Everyone’s favourite probably-a-bit-soft Spanish playmaker turned into a Vinnie Jones-style headcase for about 30 seconds down at the Emirates, making a thumping tackle on Alex Song in the build up to Wigan’s second goal. No, I don’t know where he learned that either.
The Take That Award for ‘Patieeeeeence’: Blackburn Rovers fans
In their must win match against Wigan, when the players needed as much support as possible, how long did they wait until starting their now-customary ‘Kean Out` chants? Just the eight minutes. I mean, we all know if you aren`t winning by the eighth minute you might as well give up.
The ‘He Said No, My Lord’ Award, Sponsored by Marlon King: Aston Villa
Despite misguidedly thinking their club was a huge draw compared to Wigan, Roberto Martinez turned down the chance to take over at Villa Park last summer. To prove just how right he was, Wigan finished comfortably clear of Villa in the table this season. So when Alex ‘Plan B’ McLeish turned out to be awful, who do Villa try to turn to? Roberto Martinez. Better luck next time.
The Stormtrooper Award for Shoddy Marksmanship: Victor Moses
Finally scored his first goal of the season in the 2-1 win at the Hawthorns in December, having thrashed the 46 previous shots either into the crowd or out of the ground completely.
The Mark Lawrenson Award for Terrible Predictions: Martin Tyler
Again at the Emirates, Franco di Santo goes clean through on goal in the seventh minute:
Tyler: ‘di Santo, he’s not usually a finisher…but he’s finished this one! One-nil!’
More of those please, Martin.
The Neville Chamberlain Award for Utterly Disastrous Predictions: Mark Lawrenson
It`s been well documented, but Lawro had Wigan to finish bottom of the table this season with just 27 points and only seven wins (incidentally the number Wigan won in their last NINE games). Also, rather hilariously, he had Wolves finishing tenth. Better luck next season, eh Lawro?
Most Hilariously Inappropriate Pre-Match Music: Blackburn Rovers
Just prior to playing Wigan, the Rovers DJ decided the best music for his side to run out to on their must-win match was Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’. Turned out to be more appropriate than he expected, as the next 90 minutes would be their last at home as a Premier League club.
The ‘You Take Too Much Notice of Your Wife’ Award: Maynor Figueroa
Approaching the final minutes of the game against Man City, Maynor decided the only way to deal with a bouncing ball on the halfway line was to bat it away from the onrushing Sergio Aguero with his fist. Made all the funnier for the fact that Mrs Figueroa plays for Sheffield…at handball!
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