Date: 31st May 2012 at 12:23am
Written by:

Vital’s undercover Agent reports…

There has obviously been rumours, statements and denials in the media for a couple of weeks, and now we have a couple of facts. Brendan Rogers is going to be Liverpool manager, Roberto Martinez will remain at the DW Stadium.

Now the dust has settled we can reveal that Vital sent our agent in undercover at the end of the season, he/she/it was sneaking bits of info out to fans, and can now reveal exclusively the special clues for Latics supporters that Roberto was always going to stay put. We even sent him/her/it to Barbados and Miami in Roberto’s hand luggage to find out what was really happening out there. The answer as you now know is that Roberto was staying at the DW all along. Here’s what they found out and how it panned out.

‘Roberto has only ever said he wants what is best for the club, look how it’s turned out, he gets to stay, he gets to keep his team, instead of leaving them, and letting somebody else take the glory. He also gets an improved transfer kitty, training facilities and a big bag of Uncle Daves mintballs thrown in. Dave Whelan gets to keep his best young manager in Europe, just like he wanted, except it costs him a bit more.

‘Dave and Roberto talk regularly, and because I was already in place, I know they have had conversations, before this story broke, when the interest started, and throughout the whole process. After Dalglish was sacked the plan was hatched to have a laugh with them by looking interested, see what we could find out before eventually saying thanks, but no thanks.

‘It was Dave Whelan that started it off, when he thrust the name of Wigan Athletic into the spotlight, by announcing he had given Liverpool permission to talk to Roberto. He took control of the agenda straight away and kept Wigan Athletic all over the front pages for a fortnight. The next day I was there when James McArthur signed an extension to his contract, (he knew Roberto was going nowhere or he wouldn’t have signed), I made them publish it on the club site as your first clue. Pienpeys, who instigated the meet and greet sessions emailed his contact within the club to ask about how best to do one to try and convince Martinez to stay. I told them to reply with ‘sit tight and wait’. So that’s 2 clues I’d got you that there was nothing to worry about. Still people doubted so we carried on.’

‘During his interviews, Dave Whelan commented on the honesty of Roberto. I overheard them talking before it and Martinez told Whelan he wasn’t going anywhere (except Barbados obviously). I got Dave to talk about honesty as clue number 3, because it only applied if he’d said he was staying, Dave liked this, it meant if Roberto was lying and did one, it set him up to be castigated if he did indeed go to another club. We then got all the pure speculation is he or isn’t he in talks, has there or hasn’t there been contact. Is Roberto in Wigan, Liverpool, Barbados, or Miami.

‘I can exclusively reveal he actually started in a safehouse in Ince before jetting off to Barbados. You know he went to Miami, because you saw the snaps. I was there when his agent and took the infamous photograph. I offered to take a second one of the agent taking the first to prove it wasn’t a photoshop job. There was only supposed to be one pic, but there were two photographs, that’s right just two.

‘One picture proved that he met the Liverpool owners, and the other proved that the first was not a photoshop job. I can exclusively reveal it was staged, (I helped and it was partly my idea) that’s why there were only two pics and no more circulating, and why were they so close together in time and content. This was another clue that something suspect was afoot with the meeting, but the pictures were Roberto’s agents idea. Roberto met with Mr Henry for to ask him about Liverpool, how they operate and what they do, it was Dave’s idea to see if he could pinch any ideas from them, apparently they are still trying to get out of the eighties, and their transfer targets were all overpriced donkeys, presumably to go with the one they got from Blackpool last year, apparently somebody bought the wrong Charlie, they wanted Zoggy, got Adam, but I digress.

‘Dave Whelan knew about the meeting, but the purpose of the pictures was blackmail, it was to make the meeting look like he might take the job, and so scare Mr Whelans purse strings open. Apparently he tried to retaliate by suggesting he’d get Steve Bruce back, yeah whatever, it didn’t work, Uncle Dave blinked first, that face time is a right giveaway.

‘I was still with Roberto, so I have to rely on the British press (who had been miles off the mark so far, so this bit might contain even more made up stuff). After the photo shoot, we then apparently had Whelan giving Martinez the big build up over here, telling the world they had offered Roberto the job, (which was true) before saying he doesn’t think Roberto can operate under that model, (in reality, he’s going to tell them to do one) and in his heart he believes he was staying (he knows really). The genial old Uncle act really pays dividends here because it covers any cheeky giggles Dave gets laughing to himself when saying Roberto might be going. It got another massive lump of publicity for Wigan Athletic, and tagged right on the end was clue number 5 that Roberto was staying.

‘By now though people were seeing Dave Whelan as the Liverpool press officer, and our Scouse James bond reported to me that they were pulling their hair out. Because Liverpool, the five times European Champions couldn’t be seen to be rejected by Wigan Athletic, in their panic, they decided their only option was to back track. They pretended they didn’t actually offer the job, and then started to chase the apprentice. They saw the puppet dancing nicely at Swansea, and without realising they just missed the puppet master, started to chase the puppet, successfully as it happens. Wondering why it can’t dance when the master hasn’t set up the strings is their problem for next season.

‘When I came back through Manchester Airport, you might have spotted me with Roberto, but then you might have been distracted by his beaming smile, I can exclusively reveal that this smile had a meaning, and that meaning was ‘you lot have been taken for a right ride, ha ha!’.

We at Vital Wigan are very pleased with our agent, as he’s told us how Dave Whelan kept his man, we keep our manager and Roberto gets his money to spend and facilities to do his job, WIN, WIN for the Latics. All of which we approve of.

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