Date: 31st May 2017 at 4:48pm
Written by:

As Wigan Athletic’s quest to fill their entire staff room with Cooks [sic] continues, an old acquaintance examines potential summer signings.

Salutations, chums. They call me Nosey Barstool, part time private investigator and full time member of the Zoot Suit Fan Club since 1946. I don’t know why they call me that, since my actual name is Lum Bago and I’m a chiropractor at Higher Ince General Hospital.

Nonetheless, I was assigned the task of identifying possible transfer targets on behalf of Wigan’s ever-growing cabinet of Cooks. By whom I shall not say, for they are presently holding my contract over a paper shredder. It might be worth as little as £25, but I need that for my bus fare home.

Anyway, having conducted extensive research with my Encarta ’98 CD-ROM encyclopedia and the adult section at Beech Hill Book Cycle, I have narrowed down Paul Cook’s wish list to the following likely options:

Alastair Cook – the England cricketer was born on Christmas Day, so there’s no danger of him ‘throwing a sickie’ on his birthday. According to my calculations, this will save the club £108.40 per year. But it will also cost them £100,000 in wages for a glorified ball shiner.

Robin Cook. [This entry has been deleted in the interests of political neutrality. Additionally, I vow to poke with a sharp stick the next person that makes a ‘left wing man’ joke. – Ed.]

Dane Cook & Peter Cook – not because they’re undoubtedly hilarious individuals, but because it’s funny to see an Englishman and an American fight over whether the ‘hometeam’ should be listed first or second.

Captain James Cook – won’t actually be able to play due to his commitments in Australia, Hawaii and Polynesia. And Kerguelen, Egypt and the West Indies. But at least he can watch every game via the EPL’s new overseas web streaming service.

Steve Cook – the Bournemouth defender has considerable experience at League One level and above. Can play centre back or right back and chips in with the odd goal.

Hold on, chums – those scoundrels have just dipped my contract into the shredder. Next time I’ll think twice about including ‘wild cards’ such as that last entry. Needless to say, my involvement in this matter ends with immediate effect.

— Nosey Barstool, somewhere within a £25 travel radius of Wigan, 31 May 2017

PS. Err… can anyone give me a lift home?